Everything Wrong With Artemis Fowl

So. Artemis Fowl releases this Friday, so I tried to write an Over Analyzing the Trailer type of deal. But I can't watch the trailer. It makes me too sad. There are so many things wrong with it...

... just so, so, so many things....

.... like everything....

Basically, if you are a fan of Artemis Fowl - nay, someone who has ever read Artemis Fowl, then when you watch this trailer you will notice something is up. Disney, it would seem, is giving it the Percy Jackson/A Wrinkle In Time theme.

So, if you don't know, Artemis Fowl is about a young 12 year old evil genius who kidnaps a fairy lady in exchange for gold.

To begin the journey of why this film will be terrible, let's go to the cast. Directed by Gilderoy Lockhart, (Thor), the cast includes:

Ferdia Shaw as Artemis Fowl - He looks a bit too young. More like an eight year old. And, this is such a minor, nitpicky thing, but he does not look like Artemis Fowl. First of all, Artemis Fowl is completely, vampiric pale. He is evil and he looks evil. This one looks more like a regular child. And I take offense to that.

Personally, I still have a pipe dream of a young Asa Butterfield as Artemis, but that can't happen now, seeing as how he's 23.

Lara McDonnell as Holly Short - I do have a bit of a gripe with this one. In the book, Holly Short is often described as having hazel skin. But, it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for...

Nonso Anozie as Butler - Butler is described in the book as Eurasian. Repeatedly. I have no idea how making the servant character black and the strong black female lead white was approved, but here we are.

Judi Dench as Commander Root - No offense Old Deuteronomy, but this is a bad casting choice. The character of Holly Short is very much defined as how she is the first female officer of LEPrecon, and how she has to rise above the stereotypes and prejudices against her.

Because that wasn't a good message already? [Citation Needed] It aged well. It would easily fit in and strike a chord with modern audiences. Well, that's all out the window, because her boss, Commander Root, is also a female now, completely shattering Holly Short's entire drive. So whatever. And, from how the trailers are looking (Afraid to make Artemis the villain), it would seem that Commander Root is a villain.

Other than that, yeah. Josh Gad is Mulch Diggums. That's a good casting. However, in the marketing materials he appears to be as tall as a regular dude. That is awful. He's about as tall as Gollum. And on Wikipedia, it says that he was "Formerly employed to Artemis Fowl I."

So... oh well for Mulch.

So, let's start off with the poster. On the poster is Collin Farrell as Artemis Fowl I. Well, shoot. He's not supposed to be here yet. That's the Arctic Incident. And it is entirely possible that they are combining the two books into one movie. But, he should not be on the poster (Or, at least, that large). Best save that space for Opal Koboi (Who is in the movie, for some reason).



But, let's look at the trailer and try to find everything wrong with it. Like Cinema Sins, but for a trailer, because yes, the trailer gets that many things wrong in two minutes.

"Tell us about the man you work for."

Wrong: Mulch Diggums does not work for Artemis Fowl. Mulch Diggums is not a good person yet - that arc is saved for future stories.

This is about the son, Artemis Fowl"

Wrong: Artemis Fowl never smiles. Ever.

 

Shows Artemis on surfboard. Artemis would never surf.

 

Shows Artemis physically exerting himself in a practice match with Butler.

He looks adorable! You can even see his little mustache growing in. And, the fact that his mouth is open, like, 90% of the trailer makes him appear less intelligent - more of a wide eyed, young likable apprentice type character. Not like someone I should be cowering in fear of, like Azula. Actually, Azula (ATLA) is a good example of how Artemis Fowl should act.
And, his hair is down on his forehead, laying naturally. Artemis's hair is styled. He is sleek, not laid back child.

"You're all I have now, Arty."

Okay, this is wrong because it implies that Angelina Fowl is already in her coma dementia thing (Or dead). Which she doesn't get until the dad goes missing.

"Artemis Fowl, one of the masterminds behind some of the biggest robberies ever."

 Wrong: Artemis Fowl I tried for a long time to take the family empire and turn it into a legitimate business, part of the reason he went missing in the first place (In the book).

"Dad?"

This insults the intelligence of Artemis Fowl. He definitely would've known what his dad was up to. The kid is a genius.

 Opal Koboi has Artemis Fowl I.

"You weren't supposed to see this yet."

 Butler is actually telling Artemis Fowl that fairies exist, and that his father was trying to protect the world from them. What? Is this Fablehaven? Artemis Fowl would have figured that out on his own. It's in his own house.

"I'm Holly Short, your ally on the other side."

 

This is so wrong on so many levels. Holly Short is not his ally. At least, not this early. She hates him. He kidnaps her. So what I'm guessing is that the kidnapping is not even part of this adaptation, and is substituted in for a much more bland experience.

"It's real!"

Okay, Artemis would have known that this was all real. Artemis does not doubt. Also, his mouth is open again.

 

Artemis is shown holding a weapon.

"An army is coming."

Okay, this is where I think Commander Root will be the main villain. If Holly Short is warning them about an army, then a shot of invading LEPrecon units - which don't invade in the book until Artemis kidnaps Holly Short - this would make Root the main badguy.

"I'm the next criminal mastermind."

Artemis Fowl is the criminal mastermind. He is the boss. This is wrong. This one doesn't even know that there's a secret compartment in his own house.

Artemis Fowl is seen holding a gun.

Overall, the film is basically taking the entire Artemis Fowl novel and ripping out pages until it gets something that executives want children to like. It's insulting to the audience - if the books were popular for it's complex villain protagonist, why is the film afraid to? Was 280 pages of reading too much for Kenneth Branaugh? Not to brag, but... I read the entire book in one day.

Everyone loves a villain turned hero. It's one of the best arcs you can have, if done well. For example, take Steve Harrington, Michael, or Prince Zuko. It seems like a surefire way to turn that person into a fan-favorite character. Everyone loves a good villain. But seriously. What happened?

I would just love, absolutely love, to find whoever the person responsible was for this trashfire. And I haven't even seen it yet.

Hopefully, they just shot fake scenes and inserted them into the trailer to trick us all. Or, they came up with a halfway decent thing that is so unconnected from the book that the book barely crosses your mind. It becomes a fun, original-ish movie (Like Percy Jackson). But no!

They are trying to half-adapt the book, throwing out the timeless qualities of becoming a better person and replacing them with generic motivations to try and appease a modern audience - much like how A Wrinkle In Time took it's complex Christian and theological themes in favor of a Black History Month and feminist empowerment message.

But Artemis Fowl... yeah, Artemis Fowl. They are even marketing the film wrong; you can already tell the entire plot of the film:

• Artemis Fowl's father is kidnapped by evil fairies - his mom may be dead at this point.
• Butler tells Artemis that his dad was actually a peace keeping guardian of Earth who was protecting them from evil fairies
• Artemis joins the family business to rescue his dad
• Artemis then teams up with Holly Short and Mulch Diggums
• LEPrecon, led by the now evil Commander Root, tries to attack Fowl Manor. They even shove a troll in there. 
• Like the book, they try to take the Manor by a bio-bomb, but fail. Root is defeated, having been revealed to be working with Opal Koboi, a fairy that Artemis and Butler met early in the movie. 
• They get his dad back. Everyone is happy! 

Basically, they're taking a book about a twelve year old who kidnaps a fairy in exchange for gold into a twelve year old teams up with a fairy to stop the evil fairy from taking his dad.

This is why they can't have Artemis kidnap people. They need to sell stickers to children.

It's disrespect. It's insulting. It's generic. It's bland. And boring. It's downright rude to the author, even if he said he was okay with the changes. In fact, I'm so sure it will suck that I've already written a post on why it failed that I'll publish the Tuesday after I see the movie.

If there is one thing I do like about the movie, it would be the style. It's been very sleek and polished so far, with lots of cool CGI and dope looking shots. But I'm afraid that visuals alone can not save a film.