Space Jam: A New Legacy Review!

 Alright! Today I'm reviewing Space Jam: A New Legacy, the much belated sequel to the 1996 classic [?] Space Jam, and it's.... it's what you'd expect. I mean, I wasn't even expecting much. I was expecting a pretty terrible movie, but at least with the saving grace of fun cameos. 

It fails, simply put. It's a bad movie, and not enjoyably so. It's so generic and trite that the heavy references to WB's IP feel like the only reason it exists, which is probably true. This is, by far, the longest HBOMax commercial I've ever seen, which I ironically saw on HBOMax. 

The gist of the movie is that LeBron James is taken by an algorithm named Al-G Rythm (Don Cheadle), who traps him in WB's catalog of content so Mr. Lebron can create a basketball team to play against his son. That's the movie. And it's pretty bad. 

Now, as I watched the movie, I took mental bullet notes and wrote them down to form the outline of the review. The very first thing I noticed is that LeBron James is not a good actor, and should stay away from movies for the foreseeable future. Space Jam is as far as his acting legacy should go. Lots of uninspired line readings. 

The second thing I noticed was that Don Cheadle is a good actor. He knows exactly how stupid the movie and his dialogue is, and takes it in stride. His entire performance reminds me of Tim Curry's "in SPACE!" I could almost feel him laughing after the camera stopped rolling, which was the type of vibe the entire movie needed.

I also thought it was funny that, in the beginning of the movie, LeBron James, for no reason at all, randomly calls Al-G absolutely useless and trash... for no reason! Completely unprovoked! I get that he doesn't like the WB pitch, but why's he gotta trash their digital A.I.? That's just rude. 

Alternatively: How to fail at Ralph Breaks the Internet

Speaking of the WB pitch... we might as well talk about that. Remember when The LEGO Movie made product placement fun and enjoyable? And then remember when Ralph Breaks the Internet had that five-minute sequence at Oh My Disney? Space Jam: A New Legacy feels like WB executives saw those doing well and then tried to make something like that (Kind of like how they handled DC).

None of the references are subtle or funny. While Ralph and The LEGO Movie took full advantage and had scenes where Gandalf talked to Dumbledore or all the Disney Princesses together, Space Jam barely uses any of them yet relies so heavily on them. They only ever appear as blurred background extras, and the only notable character they actually gave lines was Wonder Woman and Rick and Morty. It's an epic downgrade. 

Like, I would straight up prefer an HBOMax commercial where Superman, King Kong, the Iron Giant, Trinity, and Batman team up to play ball as opposed to that idea being referenced and sidelined for... Granny and Foghorn Leghorn... yay... 

It reminded me of the later Simpsons seasons, where celebrities would stop appearing naturally in an episode and start being the focus of the entire episode. It's just there so you can say "Is that a blurry Adam West Batman in the background?" instead of doing anything creative. But hey, it was awesome seeing the DCAU character designs, even if they didn't hire Tim Daly to voice Superman.

Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need?

In addition to the utter laziness of the characters, they straight up had a montage of LeBron and Bugs reenacting various scenes from various IPs like The Matrix in a terrible version of the montage from The Muppets. Side note, referencing The Matrix's bullet-time wasn't funny and never will be. 

Another side note, who are these references targeted at? The LEGO Movie took popular flagship characters of several popular child franchises. Ralph Breaks the Internet used Disney's IP, most of which are bona fide classics to all ages. Space Jam: A New Legacy hops from DCAU to The Matrix to Rick and Morty to Harry Potter to Mad Max to Game of Thrones to Looney Tunes to Casablanca. There's no specific audience, they're just throwing stuff they own at the screen. 

Casablanca references... for the kids...?

I also found it absolutely hilarious that LeBron James was so familiar with WB's catalog of content that he could make a starter draft. I actually saw a better version of that scene where he wrote down properties WB doesn't own like Spider-Man, only to be dismissed by Bugs. That would've been twice as funny, but gotta plug that IP any way you can.

Even more interesting were how sidelined the Looney Tunes were. I spent two hours watching this movie, spending time with absolute icons like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, and yet I don't remember any of them doing anything interesting. No good slapstick. No good banter. Just a blank void. 

Fs in the chat to Pepe le Pew. Should've been someone more #MeToo era friendly like the droogs. 

The best way I could describe this movie would be "What if The Muppets was a terrible movie?" Because at the end of the day, it's about getting a seemingly forgotten but much beloved band back together one last time to defeat the villain with the help of a newcomer. And Space Jam actually did something interesting and had Bugs Bunny be selfish in that endeavor because he wanted to see the Tune Squad again, but it didn't follow through on that plotline. It just was a cheap excuse to not have Superman on the court. 

One of the notes I took was "Arkham Joker Don Cheadle Nightmare." If you've seen the movie, you probably know what this means. Let's just say Don Cheadle gets a massive CGI blow up. I also wrote down that Porky Pig raps... this was the moment that made me cringe the hardest. I was actively trying not to die of the cringe. Someone was paid to write that... shudders... 

The most positive thing I can say about the movie is that it looks great. The CGI, production design, and costume design are all impeccable. And even if the camera blurs all the references, it does make LeBron look great in the new outfit. 

Overall, I give Space Jam: A New Legacy a 2/0. "Space Jam: A New Legacy boldly asks: What if Space Jam... was worse?"

Not gonna lie, I'd have rather have the Tiger Woods movie.