Red Notice Review!

 Alright! Today I'm reviewing Netflix's newest hit, yet another movie picked up from another movie studio during the pandemic (Following the likes of Vivo and Enola Holmes). This is a big-budget action flick about spies starring Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot, where they all chase after one of Cleopatra's legendary eggs. 

And yes. It's exactly what it sounds like. The movie is big and loud and the characters have fun one-liners and all just kind of play the roles they're known for playing - themselves. Ryan Reynolds stars as Ryan Reynolds (But also a complete psychopath surprisingly okay with murder). Dwayne Johnson stars as a large muscular man with a military past whose ridiculous size is the basis of most jokes in the movie.

Red Notice tries to be several things - a comedy is one of them. Unfortunately, it's not that funny. Maybe half of the jokes land? And that's probably because every other joke is some variation of a penis joke, which, to be frank, are not that funny to anyone no longer in middle school. Same thing with 30 Rock - well-written scene, clever jokes, nice vibe? Might as well end the scene with a good old-fashioned penis joke, right? To put a nice phallic bow on it? 

Red Notice also tries to be an action movie. Unfortunately, the setpieces are lackluster and derivative of other things you've seen the stars in. I couldn't help but remember Jumanji: The Next Level's finale during the prison escape or thinking any set piece was a lot better in any number of movies I've ever seen. It's all rather... generic.

Red Notice also tries to be a spy movie. Unfortunately, the only spy-like thing in the movie is the soundtrack (Which was a perfect spy soundtrack). Everything else about that aspect was bad, though. None of the scenes had tension, the stakes were never high enough, and everything else was just sort of mediocre.

At least the effects were dcent.

And it’s not like Red Notice was just trying to juggle too many genres, you can have funny spy movies with big action scenes. Red Notice just wasn’t good at any of it. 

Basically, it’s a good movie to sit in your phone and half pay attention to. You’ll still follow everything and maybe you’ll enjoy it more. Just peek your head up for Dwayne Johnson’s contractually obligated scene in the jungle. 

While watching, I couldn’t help but think to myself that this is kind of like if an 8-year-old wrote a movie. Such complete disregard is given for how… anything works. It’s such cartoonish logic that it’s hard to believe a person was paid to write it (“He works for the FBI.” “Then you have no jurisdiction here!” x8). 

This though… kinda stupid, I must say. It’s decent, but it’s not going to be anyone’s favorite movie. It’s fine. Aggressively okay and forgettable. Like, I literally forgot this movie existed the moment the credits rolled.

Overall, I give Red Notice a 3/10. "Look at the faces on the Red Notice poster. Watch a trailer. It's exactly what you think it is."

And they want two sequels to this? Alright man, Netflix has cash to burn apparently.