A Few Words Said About the Passage of the Gluten Intolerant Peoples From Their Native Homelands to Greenland; Or, How to Create World Peace in an Ever Shrinking and Increasingly Dismal Dystopia

 In the past few years, a shocking rise in the number of gluten-intolerant people has been observed by a wide variety of reliable news sites. Now, while at a glance this would appear completely irrelevant and not a matter of national security, the truly enlightened mind can see the evident threat that is the gluten-free populus. 

Let us take a stroll through time as we look at the relationship of this unfortunately relevant minority group on the overall population of the otherwise free-willed and strong-hearted people - that is, to say, the regular, dietarily unburdened common folk - a relationship which, shall we say, has become quite strained ever since the forming of the Homo Sapien race and their inferiors (The gluten-free, or Gluteus Minimus in the shorthand), continued through the persecution of Christianity in the Roman Empire under Emperor Diocletian, and culminating in the destruction of the Berlin Wall in the eighty-ninth year of the twentieth century, for reasons hitherto unknown and in great deal unstressed by today’s modern political climate. 

Like the business cycle seen in the noble profession of economics, the relationship between the non-gluten peoples and common folk is ever cyclical and could even be described as virtuous. The chicken or the egg, the end without ends, the podcast with no pod nor cast. Forever has it turned, round and round again, waiting for the perfect place to strike - for if one does not strike first, they are merely waiting to be struck. It is only a matter of time before the gluten-less make their move, and today I propose a drastic plan, which, upon appearance, may seem controversial and upsetting to the norm of human life, but a plan nonetheless: to relocate all of that cursed population to Greenland. 

Greenland (For reference)

Please silence your shocked gasps and fainting women. If you feel the need to lock me up and give me a 500-foot restraining order from the nearest Nature’s Own bakery I completely understand. But I do ask that you hear me for my cause and be silent, that you may hear. Before the well-intentioned but misguided cries of “mad man!” begin, I must ask you this one question - how many times have you tried to or been a part of planning food for a potluck? How many times has everything gone perfectly and it seems like it is setting up a blast only for the world to come crashing down when an attendee of said potluck announces that they are “gluten-free.” Instant chaos. No longer can gluten be supplied at this party.

A wide variety of foods, including but not limited to bread, are instantly locked off. Do not the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? Well, what if the many want bread? Are they not supposed to have what they want? What they need? Sure, one may plan to merely separate the food, but this is not the same. It merely discriminates against food and furthers the divide between these two groups. And, in the words of Ron Swanson, “Don’t half-ass two things. Whole ass one thing.” 

If we are already discriminating against the gluten-free by separating their food and catering to their every dietary whim, then why not take it a step further to completely remove the problem? So why not geographically separate them as well, a parallel to their special aisle in your local Martin’s? 

Now, one could argue that it is petty and beyond inhumane to suggest relocation as a response to a minor picnic inconvenience that most will likely only encounter two or three times in their lifetimes. But I ask you this - is three not also the number of times Peter denied Christ and heard the rooster crow? I am the rooster. And this is my crow. 

In 2019, then President Donald Trump made headlines when he announced the United States was discussing buying Greenland for strategic advantages. The Washington Post, in response to the President’s intentions, researched the potential market value of Greenland and came up with a 42.6 billion USD figure. A surprisingly low figure, it began an idea. While this deal ultimately failed because everyone believed it was stupid, it did inspire me to fantasize about the other purposes of such a large piece of land. The go-to thought was, naturally, the deportation of every gluten-free person to said piece of land. So thank you Mr. Donald Trump for this idea. You will no doubt go down as one of the greatest intellectual and inspiring leaders of the 21st century for your hand in my plan. 

While I do hear your shocked cries of woe and anguish over the loss of the unalienable rights of Life, Liberty, and perhaps the Pursuit of Happiness if you really dislike Greenland, one must remember that sacrifices must be made. And if none of those sacrifices have to be made by myself, do they really matter? It is my belief that they do not. 

Who wouldn't want to live here? 

Human rights have always been a tricky subject for the modern world. If one wishes to become very technical about it, are not all rights made up? Hobbes stipulates that the nature of man is nasty, short, and brutish. Natural rights we have were decided by those not strong enough to defend their property and governments that wish to control the people with fictitious claims to power and illusions of grandeur. 

With such rights merely being constructs of the result of the powerful, is it not also in our John Locke-ian interests to abolish said unfair powers? Modern sensibilities have made the populus weak and undisciplined, a return to form was bound to happen at some point, and the sooner it happens the sooner we can have unabated gluten-filled potlucks. 

For the time being this plan shall be called Project Moses, after the famed biblical account of the Hebrew exodus from their oppressors - Are we not actively oppressing our gluten-free population? While it may not as be drastic as past historical oppressions, it is nonetheless present in nearly every stroke in the Domesday Book, every swirl in the Corinthian columns, and suggested as the true cause of the American Civil War - the states’ rights to gluttonous gluten oppression due to the South’s growing wheat industry. 

Now, life in Greenland would be simple and unburdened. After all, we did place them there. There is no room for kneejerk primal instincts. They would be well taken care of and loved for by their fellow community, a place where they can have all the potlucks they want absent the ever-present threat of gluten, surrounded by a ring of sliced bread to make sure they know their place. And everywhere else in the world, gluten products can infiltrate every frame of gluten-free-free life. Whereas Thomas More merely wrote about Utopia, I plan on making it a reality. 

As to the author’s intent, if I could possibly be biased in my motivations for being the decider of the fate of millions of citizens across respected nations, do take insurance in this fact: As someone who does not care about the personal well being of any other living creature, I am completely unbiased. One could not ask for a better leader. 

And if there be any gluten-free peoples among us or any dear friend of those inflicted, to this I say - it is not that I loved gluten-free people less; but that I love simplified life more. And if the time shall come to pass when we wish to move all left-handed people to Denmark or all redheads to Crete, then those movements will happen, and I will lead them. And I’m not afraid to ship myself off to who knows where - if there is ever a call for all ridiculously handsome and insanely charming fellows to be moved, I promise I will be the first one on the boat. I carry that same dagger for myself when it shall please you to need my departure. 

And so, after much deliberation and hand-wringing, I am confident that all present are on board with this grand scheme of mine, for I am sure that many wish to live a life of simplistic potlucks where bread may be put wherever one likes on the table. Sometimes the hardest choices require the strongest will. Through key areas of exploration, the benefits of this relocation and the causes of such are clearly laid out, leaving no doubt that the best way to deal with the problem is to merely remove it from sight. After all, isn’t that the solution to every problem encountered? 

Imagine being allergic to bread.  Darwin believed in natural selection and so do I. Mankind has gotten soft and fat in accordance with the past century’s technological and societal innovations. We’ve permitted those with afflictions such as gluten intolerance and poor eyesight to be contributors to the gene pool. By separating us geographically, we can create a stronger, healthier society - the Eloi and the Morlocks. This is a just cause just caused by a supporter of a gluten-free-free existence. It’s not streamlined to the finest details, but the gist is gotten and a few words were said. 

And thus a few words were said about the title sake passage of the gluten intolerant peoples to Greenland, and thus I close.