Eternals Review!

 Alright! Today I'm reviewing the 26th (!) film in the MCU about a group of superpowered gods who are told to protect humanity from their evil counterparts the Deviants. This... this is a movie I have seen, I guess. 

The characters in a movie I have seen.

This is the type of movie I wouldn't really want to do a review on. I saw the movie. I moved on. There's not much to say - sure, the visuals were pretty, but that's really the only thing the movie has going for it. I'm actively struggling to remember what my list of bulletin points was for it (I have a mental one for every movie). 

Like, you know Red Notice? That Netflix movie you forgot exists? Eternals is about the same in terms of memorability. That's disheartening though because while Red Notice was a dime-a-dozen appropriation of spy comedy heist movies, Eternals is a massive story that spans thousands of years about a group of gods who emerge to help a giant robot hatch a planet. 

A giant robot in a movie I have seen.

The first and most immediate issue is the large cast. While a large cast of new-to-screen characters can work (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse), Eternals is not an example of it working. Characters are barely in this thing. Some randomly drop out. And some just aren't interesting. They all look cool when they stand in a line though, I'll give them that. 

My least favorite Eternal was by far and away Sersi. She was uninteresting, the romantic heart of the movie that caused the romance to fall flat, was facially unexpressive, and didn't really fit with the epic vibe. She felt extremely passive and compared to an otherwise fun cast of characters she's the least interesting. It's always a bad sign when the main character is the least interesting one (Cough Solo cough).   

The protagonists of a movie I have seen.

I also wasn't too keen on her boyfriend Dane Whitman. He was really underutilized in the movie, which was very disconcerting when he's portrayed by Kit Harington. He's also pretty passive and hardly in the movie for any reason other than to set up his future as Black Knight, which sounds much more interesting than this actual movie. 

However, those two meh characters were balanced out by Ikaris, who, although he had very, very unclear motives for the main villain, was consistently charming enough to make the star-crossed lovers dynamic work. You really wanted to believe this guy was a hero, and while it's an interesting turn for him to be the villain, it's never developed well enough to feel dramatic and reduces the finale to big CGI lasers. 

The best character in a movie I have seen.

The rest of the ensemble - notably Gilgamesh and Kingo, were also far more interesting than the main character. Gilgamesh was my favorite by a long shot, the giant scary marshmallow character is always a favorite of mine. Kingo peaced out before the finale, which I thought was fine. It's a fun thing you never see in these movies, a character straight up saying no. That was fun.

The movie is also very pretty. While it's easy to praise a beautiful-looking movie, the truth is all they did was film it outside instead of in a studio in Atlanta. It was a cheap trick and one that would almost pay off if it weren't for the inexcusably poorly rendered CGI laser finale bonanza. The finale was absolute trash CGI, it looked like they never moved past the models stage. I doubt you would be able to see the faces on people if you paused it at any given moment. It was pretty bad.

The ensemble of a movie I have seen.

The other thing I thought was bad were the notable accents utilized by some of the characters. When one character is notably Irish in a story set before Ireland exists it tends to throw the viewer out of it. Another thing inserted to throw the audience out of it was the sex scene. The MCU didn't need a sex scene. The movie didn't need a sex scene. But there was one. And it was an awkward sex scene.  

Eternals has a lot of wasted potential - either as a mildly entertaining Disney+ series or a sequel. This movie has no potential. It sets up a game the audience doesn't want to play. Maybe a future game that would be cooler. But this game isn't cool. Nor is this game Marvel's attempt at a Snyder-era DC flick, this lacks all pretentious "glorious purpose." It just kind of was a movie. A movie that I saw. 

Overall, I give Eternals a 5/10. "Weird and long and awkward but with a cool idea hidden somewhere, Eternals is a forgettable "okay" mess."

The much, much cooler concept art for a movie I have seen.